


what you're looking for is right here

by kuttsukiboshi



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Canon Universe, Denial of Feelings, Idols, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Jung Wooyoung-centric, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sexuality Crisis, dating apps, san is san and wooyoung is stressed, the author projects onto wooyoung, the others are there sort of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:47:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26223619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuttsukiboshi/pseuds/kuttsukiboshi
Summary: “I was talking to someone. On- an app.”Wooyoung blinked at him. “An app…” He echoed. “What kind of-” San gave him another look, and he got it. “Ohh…”Oh. That kind of app.That wasn’t that bad, right?Wooyoung was in the middle of trying to figure out how he felt about this when San continued, “and, and I think they know who I am.”Oh. “Oh.” Wooyoung said, unhelpfully. And then, “oh, shit.”or: san almost gets caught on a gay dating app. wooyoung deals with this fine
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung
Comments: 34
Kudos: 115





	1. spark

**Author's Note:**

> [hands u a woosan fic] [hands u a woosan fic] [hands u a woosan fic] [hands u a w
> 
> hello this has been sitting in my drafts for ages but since i'm on a writing roll rn i was inspired to write more and now i am flinging it recklessly into the world. i wrote this for myself but u can read it too if u want to pls accept my humble offering woosan nation (title is san's line in wonderland, sort of)
> 
> !cw for references to homophobia and public outing!

In retrospect, when Wooyoung woke up at 3am with 4 missed calls and half a dozen messages from San, that was the exact moment that everything changed. 

It was after a particularly gruelling day of practice, one that continued far into the night to the point where they could barely think about anything except the dance moves they were drilling into themselves. They must have got back at some point, and at some point he must’ve gone to bed, because that was where he was when he woke up. It was often the way with late night schedules, you just sort of went into autopilot for a while, out of necessity, if you wanted to get any rest at all. This was one of those times, which was why Wooyoung was more than a little bit annoyed when the incessant buzzing of his phone woke him up at what he could immediately tell was way earlier than he needed to be. 

Wooyoung made a vague grab in the general direction of his phone, it took several attempts to locate it, and even more to actually pick it up. By the time he’d managed to grab it, it had stopped buzzing. He sighed heavily, rolling over so he could squint at the screen. 

_San: 4 missed call(s)_

He blinked a couple of times, taking a moment to properly register this. Underneath that notification there were a whole lot of others, all of them also from San. He swiped the screen to open their chat, still not really taking in what he was reading. 

_wooyoung_

_wooyoung_

_wooyoung_

_WOOYOUNG_

_are u awake_

_wooyoung_

_i need to talk to u_

_wooyoungggg_

Wooyoung blinked again. San had sent the first of those messages at 2:23 AM. It was 2:34 AM. Waking up more every time he reread the (not particularly informative) texts, he hurriedly typed out a response that was just as brief. 

_what????_

He was in the middle of adding an extra row of question marks for emphasis when he got a reply. 

_come to the living room_

Wooyoung stared at the message hard for a moment, still confused but decidedly more awake now. It only took a few more moments of staring and trying to make sense of the situation for him to decide to just go without asking any more questions. He dragged himself out of bed with a sigh, making at least _some_ effort to be quiet as he paused just before the door to grab a shirt at random from the back of the chair beside it, Yeosang probably wouldn’t wake up anyway. 

He saw San before San saw him. Illuminated by the light of his phone, standing in the middle of the living room, with the stance of someone who was struggling to stay still. 

“What the hell,” Wooyoung whisper-shouted as he approached him, just as San looked up and finally noticed he was there. 

“Sorry,” He replied, at normal volume, and yeah, Wooyoung realised, they probably didn’t need to whisper. “Did I wake you?” 

He sounded uncharacteristically reserved, almost like he was speaking to a stranger, but even then he’d usually sound less… nervous. Wooyoung stopped in front of him and levelled him with a look that was more confused than irritated at this point. 

“Of course you woke me, it’s like, 3am,” He said, without much feeling, because San looked kind of like he might throw up any minute. Or pass out. The longer Wooyoung looked at him, the more the confusion shifted into concern. “What’s going on?”

San paced up and down a few times, wringing his hands, “Um… Shit, uh, how do I explain this,” He stopped, facing away from Wooyoung, then sank onto the couch, almost like his legs had just given way.

Wooyoung moved to sit next to him, more than a little concerned at this point. “What do you mean?” He said, a little hesitant this time, reaching out automatically to throw an arm around his shoulders. This wasn’t at all something unusual for them, so he was more than a little surprised when San flinched away from his touch. That was something extremely uncharacteristic for him. 

“San…?” He said quietly, his hand now hovering awkwardly above his shoulder. Something in his voice seemed to make San look up, finally actually looking him in the eye. 

“I can’t tell you,” He sounded pained. 

“What?” Wooyoung said, furrowing his brow in confusion. “What do you- why’d you wake me up then?”

“Sorry,” San looked down again, “I didn’t know what else to do.”

“W-why can’t you tell me?” Wooyoung said tentatively, feeling like San might break down, or something, if he said the wrong thing.

“You’d hate me.” 

Wooyoung almost laughed at the ridiculousness of that notion, but thought better of it at the last minute. “No I wouldn’t,” This didn’t seem to help, San just shook his head wordlessly, looking miserable. “It can’t be that bad,” 

“It is that bad.”

Wooyoung mentally ran through the list of things that could be _that bad_ , and came up with things that were either a) not that bad, or b) not something San would ever do. 

“I would never hate you,” He said, firmly. That, at least, he could say without knowing what was going on. Right? “Really.” 

San just gave him one of those searching looks that he was particularly good at, the kind that always made Wooyoung feel like he was reading his mind, before finally replying. 

“I was talking to someone. On- an app.”

Wooyoung blinked at him. “An app…” He echoed. “What kind of-” San gave him another look, and he got it. “Ohh…”

Oh. _That_ kind of app. 

That wasn’t that bad, right?

Wooyoung was in the middle of trying to figure out how he felt about this when San continued, “and, and I think they know who I am.”

Oh. “Oh.” Wooyoung said, unhelpfully. And then, “oh, shit.”

“Exactly,” 

“Um,” Wooyoung started, then stopped. He still hadn’t really processed this. “Are you sure?”

“Am I sure?” San repeated, a little hysterically. “They found a picture of me online and sent it to me!” 

“Okay, okay, calm down!” Wooyoung said, waving his hands around as if that would ward San’s stress away. “It’s okay!” San looked like he was about to say something again, so he quickly continued, finally managing to form somewhat coherent thoughts, “Idols get caught dating all the time,” (on seconds thoughts, that probably wasn’t the best thing to say), “the company will probably y’know, cover it up” He continued hurriedly. “I mean, you’re an _adult_. Maybe people won’t care too much…?” He hoped he sounded a little more certain than he felt. 

But San was just giving him a strange sort of look, shaking his head slowly. “You don’t get it…” 

“What don’t I get?” 

San just studied him for a moment longer, as if struggling to make up his mind about something, and then reached for his phone where he’d discarded it on the couch beside him. He swiped through it briefly before thrusting it wordlessly in Wooyoung’s direction. Wooyoung looked down at the conversation displayed on the screen. 

“What-” He started again,

“Just look,”

He looked. The most recent messages from the other person had an image attached, one that he vaguely recognised from one of their recent Dispatch shoots. The message that came with it simply read ‘is this you?’. San hadn’t replied. 

“Um,” Wooyoung looked up, “it’s not that-” He was ready to start reassuring again, but San cut in before he could finish. 

“Oh my god, just, _look_ ,” He grabbed Wooyoung’s hand to pull the phone towards him and tapped the name at the top of the screen. 

Even when he focused on the name and profile picture, it took him a moment to register it. A picture of a guy, maybe 25 years old, handsome in a rugged, manly sort of way. _Kang Joonhyung_.

“Oh,” 

San let go of him as quickly as if he’d been burned. Wooyoung looked up at him, but he was determinedly avoiding eye contact. “Do you get it now?”

“San-” He started, then stopped, noticing that he was shaking slightly. _Shit. I have to calm him down._ Wooyoung looked down at the phone again desperately for inspiration, “He’s really hot,” He blurted out, without really thinking, “nice one.” 

San just looked at him like he was insane. 

“Right?” Wooyoung continued, his voice going up an octave as he tried and failed to sound casual. San just carried on looking at him as if he’d completely lost it, then his shoulders started to shake. For one horrible moment, Wooyoung thought he was crying, but it took a split second for him to realise he was actually laughing. "What?" He said, half indignantly, mostly confused, as San shoved at his shoulder in his laughter. The sound was infectious, and the whole situation suddenly seemed so ridiculous that he couldn't help but join in. He half expected San to tell him this was all just a joke any moment.

"Ah," San seemed to calm down enough to speak again, finally. "What am I gonna do?" Wooyoung looked at him. Despite the apparent lightness of his tone, he still looked afraid. Really afraid.

"We- we can do something," He tried to sound confident. "How does... he even know it's you? You could be another Choi San." Not that San was a particularly common name, unfortunately, but still.

San just looked back for a moment, his expression kind of desolate. "I sent pictures."

"Oh." Wooyoung said again, a little awkwardly.

San looked down, picking at a loose thread on the couch, as if he didn't want to make eye contact for too long. Wooyoung swallowed. "Okay. That's, um, fine." San didn't reply. "How- how many?" He tried.

San picked up his phone from where it lay in between them, and wordlessly gestured for him to scroll up. Wooyoung did so, hesitantly, and it didn't take him long to find what he was looking for. "Oh." He said again. "That's... definitely you." He glanced up. San just raised an eyebrow in a way that would probably come across as judgemental if he didn't still look terrified.

The picture was very clearly San, and it wasn't just a selca either. It was taken in the mirror of what he immediately recognised as the company's gym, obviously after a workout, judging from the sleeveless shirt slightly clinging to his skin. There wasn't anything particularly special about it, San had taken many pictures like this before, but something about looking at it made Wooyoung feel... weird. He took this picture for this guy, right? This guy who was probably attracted to him. Not that that was weird, San went on stage all the time and made thousands of fans similarly attracted to him, but there was just something more... intimate about this.

_At least it's not a nude_ , he thought vaguely, then wished he hadn't, like this situation wasn't weird enough already.

Wooyoung looked up again, finally. "Maybe you should just... tell him not to tell anyone?" Even as he said it, he realised it was pretty weak. San looked unconvinced.

"What if he does," It wasn't even phrased as a question. Wooyoung swallowed, looking back at the picture.

"I think you should post it." He said, suddenly, surprising even himself.

San looked confused. "What- the picture?"

"Yeah. That way, he doesn't have any proof it's you." Wooyoung was coming up with ideas on the spot, but he was somehow managing to sound pretty confident. He had no idea if this was actually a good plan, but the more he thought about it, the better it seemed.

San just stared at the phone for a few seconds, apparently considering this. 

"You're right," He said, "Shit, okay. I'll do that. He won't have any proof." He seemed to be assuring himself of this more than talking to Wooyoung. He was still emanating anxiety as he spoke, the words he was repeating to himself didn't seem to be doing much to calm him down.

"It's gonna be okay," Wooyoung told him, quietly. San looked at him.

"Okay." He finally seemed a little bit calmer. "I- thanks."

Wooyoung grabbed the phone from in front of him and threw it to the other side of the couch, out of reach of both of them, before closing the distance between them and then hesitating only briefly before dropping his head onto San's shoulder, seeking some normalcy for them. "'Course," He said, "I'm tired,"

San seemed momentarily surprised by this, but quickly relaxed into him. "Go to bed then," he pushed his side, without much energy. Wooyoung just pushed him back.

"Can't be bothered."

"Yeah, me neither."

Wooyoung stared up at the ceiling for a while, still not quite processing what the hell had just happened. This didn’t really feel real, in the darkness of the living room, between 3am and 4am, and thinking about it too hard was making his head hurt. He shifted more into San’s side, and San made a vaguely irritated sound before reaching an arm around him to make him stay still.

They must have fallen asleep at some point, like that, because the next thing he remembered was waking up abruptly with his neck aching and Yeosang asking judgmentally if they'd slept there, and also did they know they had to leave in ten minutes.

In daylight, it definitely seemed like a dream. As it turned out, of course, it had not been. If this was where everything had started, maybe Wooyoung could pretend this was all San’s fault, and keep some semblance of his sanity. 

But that wasn’t entirely truthful.

  
  
*****  
  
  


For a plan that Wooyoung had come up with in basically two minutes, it worked out surprisingly well. They spent way too long figuring out what to say in the message asking the guy not to talk, and by the time they had psyched themselves up enough to press send, neither of them were entirely convinced this was going to work. But they got a response, almost immediately, in the form of a call that San had to go and hide in the bathroom to take because they were at _Music Bank._

"He said he won't tell," San told him, while they were waiting around for soundcheck. "Said he'd never do that to someone like-" He paused, "Anyway. He won't."

"That's good." Wooyoung said, then yelped as San pinched him on the arm. "What?!"

"Talk quieter!"

"Okay, _fine,_ that's good." He repeated lowering his voice. "Right?" He continued, a little uncertain when San didn't respond.

San just nodded, regarding him with an expression that turned quickly from annoyance to amusement. The stage lights illuminated his face properly, and he rolled his eyes, turning away. “Come on, then,”

“Hey, why are you acting annoyed with me?” Wooyoung protested, following him as he turned to head back towards the group, “I hel-” He stopped abruptly when he noticed the camera on him, suddenly. “This guy always treats me badly, but he can’t live without me,” He informed the lens in front of him, switching into idol mode. San appeared beside him and grabbed his arm to start pulling him away, “See? He can’t do anything without me!”

“Don’t listen to him, I still love ATINY the most~” San told the camera sweetly before dragging Wooyoung over into the midst of the crowd of members and staff. It was almost as if nothing had even happened between them the previous night.

Later that day, he posted the picture on twitter, just as a precaution. It got thousands of reactions within seconds and had his name trending for a couple of hours.

This should have been the end of it.

Wooyoung had honestly been skeptical at first that the guy wouldn’t say anything, even though San seemed so certain about it, how could they possibly _know,_ but San must have known somehow, because nothing appeared. They both still checked Pann every day, just to make sure nothing close to the truth was in danger of surfacing, but other than that, it was like it had never even happened. 

Because San never mentioned it. Wooyoung half expected him to bring it up every time they were alone together, but he never did. It almost felt more like a dream now than it had before. Or it would, at least. If it wasn't for that picture.

Wooyoung was starting to feel like he was losing it, kind of, because he literally could not stop thinking about that picture. And when he wasn't thinking about it, he was thinking about thinking about it, thinking about _why the hell_ was he thinking about it so much. It was starting to be a problem.

At first, he'd thought he might be uncomfortable with the idea of San being with a guy, sending him pictures, and what the guy might _do_ with those pictures. This explanation wasn't particularly comforting, San would definitely be hurt if he knew he was thinking that. So he had to get over... _this._

All he had to do was act completely normal around him, just like they’d been doing before, and it would go away. San didn’t want to talk about it, fine, they didn’t have to talk about it. Maybe if they both just pretended it didn’t happen, they would forget about it, and Wooyoung would stop feeling so weird around him. So. Act normal around San. That was easy, right?

This resolution ended up going well for around two hours. 

(The first, but not the last of Wooyoung’s plans that would fail miserably)

"I'm staying back," San told him, when they'd finished group practice, still out of breath as he spoke, "wanna get the dance break down." He looked exhausted.

"Okay," Wooyoung said in response to the unspoken question, tossing the now empty water bottle he'd been drinking from to the bin in the corner of the room. It missed. San snorted.

"Shut _up,_ "

San just laughed at him again, lifting up his shirt to wipe his face with it. “Sorry~” He said, not sounding sorry at all.

It occurred to Wooyoung, suddenly, that it was the same shirt he was wearing in the picture. The thought made him freeze. He wasn't supposed to be thinking about that right now. He wasn't supposed to be thinking about it at all, but especially right now, when San was right in front of him, that made everything ten times weirder. In an attempt to steer his brain back to normalcy, he looked up again, hurriedly, looking him in the eye. San blinked at him.

"What?"

_You can see why that guy was so into him._

Wooyoung blinked back at him, rapidly. "Nothing," He said, after a beat. _Where the fuck did that come from._

San looked unconvinced. "Is something...?" He trailed off, seemingly aware of Wooyoung's inner turmoil. "Are you... uncomfortable?"

"W-with what?"

"With me."

_I have no idea what I am with you,_ Wooyoung thought desperately, "Of course not," He said hurriedly, running a hand through his hair. "Why would I be uncomfortable?" 

San just looked at him again in that too-perceptive way. "You know why."

"I don't, actually," Wooyoung retorted, irritation seeping into his confusion. "How am I supposed to know when you don't tell me anything?" San looked briefly taken aback, but then his face set again.

"What else do you want me to tell you?"

"Anything? It's weird that- that all this-" He waved a hand vaguely in between them, "-happened and you don't _talk_ about it."

San didn't reply for what felt like over a minute, by which point Wooyoung had run out of steam and kind of regretted even saying anything. 

"I'm gay," He said, eventually, "is that what you wanted to hear?"

Wooyoung stared at him, taking a beat too long to think of what to say, because San broke the eye contact and started heading for the door behind him.

"I- wait," Wooyoung grabbed his arm as he tried to walk by. He half expected San to just pull away, but got little to no resistance, "I didn't mean it like that,"

San turned to look back at him, his expression unreadable. Wooyoung let go of his arm slightly awkwardly. He'd been more awkward with San over these past few days than any point in their whole friendship.

"I mean, you don't have to tell me shit, if you don't want to, I-" He paused and looked away, because San was way too good at intimidating eye contact. "I'm sorry,"

"You're so annoying," San said, finally, leaning back against the door frame behind him. "I'm so annoyed when I'm with you, you know?"

Wooyoung just stared at him, a little thrown off by the sudden change in tone.

"Don't go anywhere." San continued, quieter this time.

"I wasn't going to?" Wooyoung raised an eyebrow. San just regarded him for a moment, then broke into a dimpled smile, grabbing his wrist suddenly to pull him through the door.

"I thought we were practicing?" Wooyoung complained.

"Don't want to anymore~" San said breezily.

"What if _I_ wanted to practice?"

"Come with me instead,"

Wooyoung paused, "I thought I was annoying," San let go of his wrist to open the door leading out into the street.

"You are," He said, cheerfully. "I like it better when you're here. You make things better," Wooyoung stared at him, the cold air from outside washing over him. San looked back at him, smiling like everything was normal. It was strangely easy to just mirror him, fall back into their normal back and forth. 

“Ya, you seriously can’t live without me, huh?” Wooyoung said, moving to stand next to him, letting the door swing closed behind them.

“I guess,” San agreed readily, “Are you coming? It’s cold.” 

"You're so weird," Wooyoung muttered eventually, pretending not to be thrown off by all of this.

“You love me~”

“I- whatever~”

Over the past few days they’d gone backwards and forwards between this awkwardness and normality, but now, even though things are still just the same, Wooyoung felt like something was different. Something at the back of his mind had changed, come into focus, something, that he couldn’t seem to bring himself to examine properly.

So he didn’t. 

This was the second time one of his plans failed.

  
*****  
  


It’s five days later when It happens. Come to think of it, perhaps this was the real moment when everything changed, irreparably. And blaming San for it this time around would just be lying to himself.

Their schedule was so packed over the next few days they barely had time to even think, just collapsing as soon as they got back, not even having enough energy to get changed. Wooyoung had been lying in the same spot for what could've been anywhere between a minute and an hour, in that state of drifting uncomfortably in and out of sleep, in a way that just made him feel even more tired. It was in this state, his mind wandering to places he was barely paying attention to himself, that someone shook his shoulder.

"Wooyoung. Wooyoung~"

"What," He muttered eventually, dragging himself up and rubbing his eyes.

"I need to talk to you," San's voice said, just as Wooyoung focused on him, sitting in front of him. He was still wearing his stage makeup, but his hair had come loose from whatever product had been keeping it styled and fell over his forehead. He looked kind of... shiny. Wooyoung blinked at him.

"Okay," His voice sounded weirdly far away, like he was detached from his body. "What is it?" He felt kind of weird too, like he wasn’t really there. When did everyone else leave the room? It was just them in there, just like that night. 

San was giving him a look that made him feel… _something_ that he couldn’t quite define, and yet he knew what it was with sudden clarity. Part of him, deep down, is totally freaked out by this, but it was buried so deep he couldn’t focus on it long enough to figure out why.

San shifted closer to him. "What do you think?" He lifted his hand up as he spoke, coming to rest it on the side of Wooyoung's neck, his thumb brushing under his chin. He knew what he was asking. Wooyoung felt like his whole body was burning with the anticipation, he was almost shaking. Was this actually happening? Was this happening right now? 

He knew the answer, too. 

"Yeah," He heard himself say. _God, yeah._

San’s hand moved upwards so it was cupping his face, moving even closer, and then he was kissing him. Wooyoung melted into him immediately. San kissed tentatively, carefully, and Wooyoung kissed him back harder, seeking _more_ , almost desperately. He hadn’t realised how much he’d wanted this. Why hadn’t he realised how much he’d wanted it? 

Wooyoung reached up to thread a hand through San’s hair, trying to pull him even closer, if that was possible, pressing their bodies together. San’s other hand landed on his waist, fingers digging in and _god_ , he knew he was making a noise, some kind of whine as San moved to mouth at his neck, fingers digging into his side even harder-

“Wooyoung!”

He blinked up at the ceiling. 

“Wooyoung~” The pain in his side increased, and he looked around, disorientated. 

The room around him was far from empty, the background noise of conversation coming from every direction, and the person beside him-

“Shower’s free,” San informed him, withdrawing his hand. “You’re last, dunno if there’s any hot water left.” Wooyoung just stared at him, finally managing to register what was going on. _Oh god. Holy_ shit. 

That did not just happen. Except it did, only it was in his head, and San was right next to him the whole time and oh _god-_

San tilted his head, narrowing his eyes slightly in confusion, “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” Wooyoung blurted, scrambling up suddenly, swaying slightly on the spot from standing up too quickly. “I gotta go. Shower.” He made the mistake of making brief eye contact with San, which made him feel like he was about to dissolve from a mixture of shame and just general _what the fuck_ feelings. 

He locked himself in the bathroom, probably for the foreseeable future, and stared at himself in the mirror. 

“What the _fuck_ , Jung Wooyoung,” He muttered at the guy in his reflection, the same guy who was still turned on from thinking about his best friend, who was also his bandmate and a _guy_ , and, and really hot. Seriously, had Choi San always been this hot? Wait- _fuck_

Wooyoung ran a hand through his hair aggressively as if that would somehow cleanse his mind of this mess. 

_Yeah. What the fuck._

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *i enter with a bad powerpoint animation* hello
> 
> what is this fic? who knows. i started writing and now i can't stop. but i hope at least someone out there enjoyed it! i've been wanting to branch out into other fic for a while, so although this was originally intended as a oneshot, i've decided to try publishing it to test the waters (and make me feel like i've achieved something) this might(?) be two chapters but i have cannot shut up disease so who knows. 
> 
> please do let me know if you enjoyed it, i'd love to continue writing this and comments and kudos really mean the world to me. i will probably be focusing on my other fic for a bit, but i do happen to have more of this in the drafts, so just say the word and it will appear...
> 
> thanks so much for reading, come talk to me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/yerimiesebot) and [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/kuttsukiboshi)!!


	2. flare

"What's up with you?" Yeosang asked, walking into the room when Wooyoung was in the midst of his latest existential crisis.

"Don't even ask," He flung an arm over his face, so he felt, rather than saw, Yeosang sit on the other end of the bed.

"Can you get off my bed then?" He said, seemingly unperturbed. Wooyoung rolled over so he fell theatrically onto the floor.

"I hate my life," He told the vague area where he thought Yeosang was, his perception of the layout of the room was a little off after falling down. "Kill me."

"We need you for the stage tomorrow," Yeosang said, breezily. "Sorry,"

Wooyoung took his arm away from his face, "Why do you sou- ah!" He accidentally looked directly up into the ceiling light, momentarily blinding himself, just adding to his general humiliation.

The thing was, at first he had been doing a pretty good job at pretending nothing had happened.

Initially, it took maybe a few more hours of freaking out for him to calm down. After locking himself in the bathroom so he could do research without anyone seeing, ignoring everyone's complaints about how long he was taking, he came to the conclusion that maybe his life wasn't over. The internet told him that what you dream about doesn't have to  _ mean  _ anything, it was just a jumbled combination of anything that happened to be in your head.

So for whatever reason his brain had decided to put together his need to get off with... San.

The internet told him that having a sex dream about another guy doesn't necessarily mean that you're gay. Not that it was a sex dream, exactly. More like-

Wooyoung had to pause then, because now he was actually thinking about the dream, and it was suddenly hard to swallow. He gripped the edge of the sink, leaning into it, as if the cold would somehow bring him back to reality. It didn't mean anything. He was probably just stressed.

"Hey!" Someone called from outside, suddenly. Given that 'outside' meant separated only by a thin wooden door, it made him jump enough to knock several things off the sink onto the ground, loudly.

"What!" He yelled back, irritated and feeling vaguely as if he'd been caught in the act of something.

"Hurry up," The person- Mingi, he now realised, banged on the door. "You've been like, thirty minutes."

Wooyoung turned to wrench open the door so fast Mingi almost fell forward. "Okay, okay," He pushed past him.

"Did you even shower?" Mingi called after him, sounding bemused. Wooyoung didn't bother replying. Fuck his life, genuinely.

He just wanted to get back to his room and ignore everyone, ignore his... problem, then maybe it would just go away. Yeah. Sure. Something like that. He was still so wrapped up in his thoughts that he wasn't looking where he was going, so as he rounded the corner he walked straight into someone.

"Ah, sorry," He muttered, without much feeling, glancing up.

"You okay?" San said, holding onto his arm to steady them both.

Wooyoung froze. "Um," He said, eloquently, "Sure," San looked genuinely quite concerned, so he should probably say something else, say something normal, but San was biting down on his lip slightly and he literally could not think about anything else. "Yeah." He managed, pulling his arm free, "I'm fine." San blinked at him. Wooyoung lingered there for a second too long before walking past him and finally making it to his room.

His arm still felt warm where San had touched him. He put his hand to it absently, swallowing.

It was nothing, though. It didn’t mean anything.

Trying to forget about it didn’t seem to be working out too well for him, however. Trying not to think about something was almost worse than actually thinking about it, forcing your brain into the same circles over and over again.

Endless searching of whatever he could find on the internet while locked in the bathroom had told him that dreaming about another guy doesn’t make you gay, but it also told him that it wasn’t exactly super heterosexual either. He was also pretty sure that constantly thinking about a guy like that was… also kinda gay. 

It wasn’t like  _ that _ , though. He was only thinking about it so much because he was trying  _ not  _ to think about it, because it was weird, and it was bothering him that he even thought about it. So it was sort of like an intrusive thought that he couldn’t seem to get rid of.

Despite all of this, he honestly thought he’d been doing a pretty good job at hiding his inner turmoil from everyone else. Until, well, it happened again.

He could tell himself as many excuses as he wanted during the day, but by night, his mind drifted, unbidden. This time, he didn't realise immediately what had happened. He got up in the morning and went about his day as normal, the traces of what he'd dreamed about slipping away too quickly for him to properly examine them. It wasn't until later that he thought about it, actually thought about it, that the memories came back, sending heat through his body like he'd just stepped into an uncomfortably hot shower.

It was while standing in the middle of the practice room that he remembered it with a jolt, because in his dream San had pinned him up against the mirror and pushed his hands up his shirt and  _ oh god- _

"Wooyoung, are you good?" Yunho called, jolting him back to reality. He quickly realised that he was in completely the wrong position, because he'd just stopped dead in the middle of practice and everyone was looking at him.

"Yeah, sure." He managed, "Just need some air."

He didn't want to skip practice, but he also felt like if he stayed there any longer, he might have some kind of meltdown. He started running the tap, mostly just for something to do other than stand there and freak out, splashing water on his face in an attempt to calm himself down. The water got in his eyes and made them sting, and he had to fumble to find the tap again to turn it off.

_ It's fine _ , he told himself, gripping the edge of the sink.  _ It doesn't mean anything. _

Wooyoung reached into his pocket for his phone to try and find a reasonable explanation somewhere on the internet, only to realise he'd left it in the practice room. He cursed under his breath, turning around so he wouldn't have to look himself in the eye through the mirror, running a hand through his damp hair agitatedly. "It's fine," he muttered out loud, "shit, what's wrong with me?"

He must be overthinking it. This wasn't anything, this wasn't  _ supposed  _ to be anything, this was just something they made jokes about, for the fans. They were close, people liked that they were close, so they played it up the way they played everything up. But San was into guys (guys who weren't Wooyoung) and Wooyoung... wasn't. He wasn't. Shit.

This wasn't supposed to happen. Not like  _ this. _

It was this level of crisis that Yeosang eventually found him in, still trying to justify everything. He was only being awkward around San because of that dream (two dreams), and it was just a  _ dream,  _ he'd probably forget it soon. He was overthinking. This was just stress.

"If you really wanna die," Yeosang cut into his thoughts, "Can you please not do it there? You're in the way." Wooyoung made a vague sound of protest in response, taking his arm away from his eyes.

"Why don't you care about me?" He lamented in Yeosang's general direction, blinking up at the light above, as if partial blindness might actually help in stopping him from  _ thinking _ already.

Yeah. Just stress. 

*****

  
  


They flew out to LA for some filming, Wooyoung let Jongho doze off on his shoulder and listened to the too-loud music coming from Hongjoong's headphones, still trying not to think. The changeover in Dubai took way too long, the airport too hot despite the AC blasting, so they fairly quickly sought out a place to buy overpriced iced coffee.

Because the universe hates Wooyoung, apparently, it's him and San who lose rock-paper-scissors and have to go get the drinks.

"You're better at English than me," Wooyoung said, when they reached the counter to order. San shot him a weird look, pulling his mask down.

"Are you talking to me now?"

Wooyoung blinked at him. Before he could reply, the person in front of them moved and San started to order, reading off his phone. When he'd finally finished reeling them off he turned back to Wooyoung. "I need the card,"

Wooyoung handed him the company card. "Why did you think I wasn't talking to you?" San had turned to press the card into the machine.

"Because you weren't talking to me?" He shot him another look. Okay, that was fair.

It wasn't like he was deliberately avoiding San, it just sort of happened. It's easier not to talk to him, just avoid his problems and hope that they go away. But at the same time, it kind of sucks, not talking to him.

"Sorry," He muttered, unsure of how else to respond, "I just-" He stopped, because there was actually no way he could explain why he hadn't been talking to him. ' _ Hey, ever since you told me you were into guys I keep having sex dreams about you and I don't know how to look you in the eye anymore but we're cool, right?' _

Wooyoung was saved the trouble of having to figure out what to say by a sudden voice on his left, saying something in English. "Um, sorry," He said to the tall foreigner who'd ordered in front of them. "I don't speak English."

"Ah," The guy said something else he didn't understand, eyes flickering between him and San, and Wooyoung found himself wondering, randomly, if this guy was San's type. He kind of looked like the guy San totally wasn't dating.

"We're from Korea," San said, pulling him out of his thoughts. The foreign guy looked like he was about to say something else, but was distracted by his order being called, moving away from them.

"That guy was hitting on you," San said, when he was out of earshot.

Wooyoung looked at him in confusion. "I- huh? Was he?" He didn't know what else to say to that. The barista put down some of their drinks next to them, and San reached for them, not looking at him.

"Yeah, he kept looking at you, even when I was talking," He jabbed a straw into one of the drinks, "Does that bother you?" He said it matter-of-factly, but there was a trace of uncertainty in his voice too.

"Why would it bother me?" Wooyoung looked after the guy, wondering why he hadn't  _ noticed _ . "Well," He started, then stopped. Wooyoung looked at him.

"What?"

"It seems like  _ something _ is bothering you." His tone came out sounding accusatory, but the look on his face as he stared down at the drinks he was carrying was still set with worry.

"What?" Wooyoung repeated, aware that he should probably say something in defence of himself but too busy panicking to think of anything. Did he know? Did San somehow know what he'd been thinking about? Did he think it was weird? San didn't reply this time, taking a sip from one of the coffees, making Wooyoung glance at it. "Yah, that's mine," He protested, "I ordered that!" 

San stopped drinking and rolled his eyes. "It's mine," He picked up one of the other drinks from beside them, "We ordered the same." He pushed the cup into Wooyoung's hand, leaving him to stare blankly at the condensation dripping off of it.

"Oh."

"If this is about what I said before-" San said suddenly, cutting into his thoughts, "I, shit, I shouldn't have told you that."

"Shouldn't have told me what?"

San looked around for a moment, seeming paranoid. "I don't... think of any of you guys like that, okay?"

Wooyoung stared at him. "What." 

San spun around to face him properly, making an exasperated sound. "I don't like any of you guys like that!" He raised his voice enough for people around them to throw them curious looks, and seemed to realise this seconds after he'd spoken.

Wooyoung almost laughed at how ridiculous this all seemed, but stopped himself when he noticed San's hands were shaking slightly, gripping onto the drinks too tightly. Without thinking, he reached out to cover one of his hands with his own.

"Yah, didn't I say before I don't have a problem?" He said, in a low voice. "Even if you did, I wouldn't care." It was surprisingly easy to forget all the uncharacteristic awkwardness he'd felt before, just in order to reassure him.

San looked at him for a moment. "Your hands are cold." He said, eventually. Wooyoung stared at him in confusion, then took his hand away from San's and pressed it up against his face, instead, without warning.

"Hey! I almost dropped- shit!" San stumbled back from him, somehow managing to keep his balance and all of the drinks he was holding, then advanced on him again, clearing with revenge in mind.

"Sorry~” Wooyoung backed up from him, trying and failing not to laugh.

"You take them, you're not carrying anything!"

"Okay, okay," Wooyoung made to take the drinks from a distance, but San took advantage of his pausing to step forward quickly and press the drink onto his neck.

" _ Guys _ ," Hongjoong called over to them while Wooyoung was in the middle of yelping in protest and trying to catch hold of San to exact further revenge, sounding exasperated. "Quit messing around!"

They laughed and joked around as if everything is normal, and San sat next to him on the flight from Dubai to LA, still bickering and talking about nothing in particular. And it’s fine. It is. 

It has to be. Because their friendship was more important than whatever weird personal crisis Wooyoung was going through right now. 

He kept reminding himself of this whenever they were together, and whenever his mind wandered while alone and exhausted at night. He reminded himself until he stopped trying to pick apart his own thoughts and just locked them up at the back of his mind. It’s nothing. It’s just stress. It’s just curiosity. It can’t be more than that

He can’t even consider it. 

*****

(He ends up considering it.)

"Yeah, but like, if you  _ had  _ to pick, out of us,” Wooyoung was saying, words spilling out before he could think better of it. 

San paused in the middle of building an elaborate lettuce wrap and stared at him. "Huh?" It was late, after finally finishing their shooting they'd gone to a Korean restaurant that looked vaguely as if it might be owned by actual Korean people, and were in the middle of eating overpriced food and drinking overpriced beer, under the supervision of their understandably depressed looking manager, who looked like he'd kill for a drink right now.

They didn't get a chance to drink that often, other than tired and slightly delirious secretive soju drinking back at the dorms, occasionally, and something was different about this, drinking in a foreign country, away from everything. Wooyoung thought that it was probably the reason why he'd said it, with his inhibitions melted away slightly. 

Also, he’d just never been good at not saying what he was thinking. It was probably harmless, right? 

"What do you mean?" San still looked confused. Wooyoung pointed his chopsticks at him.

"If you had to pick," He said, "Who would you rather- ah!" He dropped the chopstick loudly on his plate as San kicked him under the table, way harder than necessary. "Ow!"

"What are you saying?" San said, his expression barely changing but his gaze flitting around the table anxiously, as if checking anyone was listening. No one was, they hadn't even acknowledged this exchange. Wooyoung jabbed him in the side irritably.

"It was just a question, jeez, why are you assaulting me?" He complained, rubbing his knee.

San looked unapologetic. "Who would I rather what," He deadpanned. "Why are you asking me that," He glanced around again, "here?"

"You didn't know what I was gonna say."

"What were you gonna say, then?"

Wooyoung glanced over to where Yeosang was sitting, on his other side. He didn't seem to have heard anything they'd said. "I don't wanna get hit," He said, finally. "If you think you know, why don't you answer?"

San huffed, turning back to his food. "You're so annoying."

"I think it's Yunho,"

"What's me?"

Wooyoung almost dropped his beer. Yunho was looking between the two of them curiously across the table, His expression betraying nothing as to how much he'd heard. Slightly too tipsy to deal with this and panicking just a bit, Wooyoung quickly looked to San for help.

"The one who took his headphones," San looked completely composed, somehow, "He thinks it's you." Wooyoung was about to say something in protest at this choice of excuse, but San seemed to sense he was about to speak and grabbed his thigh under the table, digging his fingernails in. It took a lot of willpower not to react. "Right, Wooyoung?"

"Right," Wooyoung said, forgetting everything he was going to say in defence of himself, because he couldn't focus on anything other than the pain San was inflicting on his leg, and the way that he didn't exactly hate it. It actually felt kind of good.

"I didn't take them," Yunho was saying, irritably, "Ask your roommate,"

Yeosang glanced at them disinterestedly as Yunho waved a hand in his direction, "What?" He looked at Wooyoung, then, for some screwed up reason, looked down at his lap where San was touching him.

Either San was not being at all subtle about it, or Yeosang could read his mind and somehow knew that he was getting weirdly turned on by his friend trying to make his leg bruise.

This sucked. Wooyoung stood up quickly. "Bathroom," He said, to no one in particular, Yeosang and Yunho had already lost interest.

It took him until he was on the other side of the restaurant to figure out he didn't actually know where the bathroom was. He really didn't want to walk back though, so he just headed down some stairs in the corner, hoping for the best and wishing he could read English better while drunk.

"You know the bathroom is upstairs, right?"

"Shit-" Wooyoung spun around from observing the dead end of the corridor in front of him. "You scared me!"

San just laughed, walking down the steps towards him. "Sorry, I-" He must have been a little bit drunk too, because he somehow managed to miss the last step, and would have fallen spectacularly had Wooyoung not been there to catch him.

"What are you- ah!"

"Mm, sorry," San said again, still laughing as Wooyoung barely managed to keep his own balance, because he was kind of drunk too.

"Why'd you follow me?" Wooyoung said, pushing him backwards by the shoulders.

San just raised an eyebrow at him. "Why were you asking me that?"

"Cause," Wooyoung said, helpfully. "You didn't even answer."

San took a step backwards, folding his arms. "I'm not answering that."

"Why not?"

"It's weird!"

"I won't tell them."

"I won't tell  _ you, _ " San huffed. There was a pause. "Why do you think it's Yunho?"

Wooyoung looked at him in surprise, then burst out laughing. "Is it not Yunho?"

"Fuck you," San shoved him, making him fall back into the wall, but he was laughing too.

"What? I'm just asking." Wooyoung protested, then, before he could stop himself, "Yunho's hot."

That just made San break down laughing again, having to grab hold of Wooyoung's arm to steady himself. Something about this action made him speak up again, before he could even give himself permission to.

"What about me?"

San pulled back, staring at him. "What do you mean?" He was still smiling, but there was something more hesitant in his expression now.

Wooyoung did not know what he meant. “You’d pick me, right?” 

He was joking. Obviously. 

But San let go of him entirely at that, taking a step back, and for a moment he was worried he’d really screwed up. Why was he even asking that? He must’ve been drunker than he thought. San was just looking at him now, he didn’t seem annoyed, it was kind of hard to tell what expression he was wearing. 

“You,” San started, then paused. He was still just looking at Wooyoung. Looking at him in a way that was kind of messing with his head. “No.”

“What?” Wooyoung was still thrown off by that look, thrown off by this whole exchange, really. His body still thrummed with heat where San had dragged his gaze, slowly. 

“Yah, you just wanted me to say you,” San said, folding his arms. Wooyoung managed to get it together a bit. 

“Why not me?” He complained, “I’d pick you,” 

San just laughed, looking to the side in an almost dismissive sort of way. “Of course you would.” He shifted on the spot, still not meeting Wooyoung’s gaze. “It’s not the same thing, though.”

“Why?” Wooyoung drew out the syllable. 

“Cause you don’t like guys.”

“I-  _ hey, _ ” Wooyoung protested, "How do you know that?"

It took him until a second after he'd said it that he realised what he'd just implied. San blinked.

"Do you like guys?"

Wooyoung did not know how to answer that. Actually, maybe he did, but this realisation did nothing to help him figure out what the fuck he should say. But San was actually looking at him again now, and he was gonna have to say  _ something.  _ "What do you think?"

San just stared at him for a moment longer, looking slightly taken aback by the question. "Uh," He half-laughed in a nervous sort of way. "Stop messing with me."

"I'm not messing with you,"

There was a weird sort of thrill to it, the realisation that he was affecting San like this, maybe that was why he replied so quickly. Maybe that was why he was moving forwards, away from the wall, and San’s hand was coming up to his side again, holding him in place. Almost as if they were both moving unconsciously. 

San was looking at him in a way he’d never seen him look at anyone. It wasn’t dissimilar to the way he looked when he was on stage sometimes, that kind of determination and  _ want _ , but it was coupled with something more vulnerable in his eyes. That was enough to give Wooyoung the courage to press himself forwards even more, closing the distance between them, and he did it before he could think better of it. 

He dragged San in against his body, and kissed him. Right there, in public, in a foreign country thousands of miles away from anything they knew, underground in that poorly lit corridor. 

It wasn’t really a proper kiss, clumsy and off centre, nothing like anything he’d dreamed about. But San was kissing him back, pulling them together even closer, and it was  _ real.  _

Wooyoung didn’t know which one of them pulled away first, but it was over almost as quickly as it had started. He felt like his brain was buffering, kind of, everything else around them out of focus. “I, uh-” He didn’t have a chance to get any further in trying to kickstart his brain again, because San was kissing him again, pushing him back against the wall, and  _ oh  _ they were kissing for real now. 

His mouth slipped open as San ran his tongue over his lower lip, deepening the kiss, and it felt so  _ good _ that he couldn’t focus on anything else. Wooyoung was vaguely aware that his hands had moved from gripping the front of his shirt to tangle in his hair, while San’s hands slipped under the hem of his shirt, letting out a sort of gasp when Wooyoung tugged at his hair a little harder, wanting  _ more. _

“Fuck…” It was definitely San who pulled back this time, taking a full step backwards away from him. 

They stared at each other for a moment, both breathing heavily. “Sorry,” San said, abruptly. “I shouldn’t have done that.” 

“It’s okay,” Wooyoung said, almost automatically. Even though this was a kind of confusing thing to say, Wooyoung was the one who kissed him, not the other way around. He ran a hand absently through his hair.

Shit. He kissed him. They just  _ kissed _ . What the hell?

“I really shouldn’t have,” San sounded slightly panicked now. “I’m really- that wasn’t-”

“It’s okay,” Wooyoung repeated. “Dude, it’s fine.” He reached for San’s arm, almost missing and hitting him in the chest instead. “We’re like, really drunk right now.” He tried to speak casually, but his heart was beating so fast he could hear the blood rushing in his ears. 

“Yeah,” San pulled backwards again, putting even more space between them. He wrapped his arms around himself as if in protection. “Right.” 

The truth is, neither of them are that drunk, not drunk enough to not care, not drunk enough to do something like that by mistake. Wooyoung didn't feel the usual carefree that came from alcohol numbing all of your intelligent thoughts, he was thinking too much now, he actually felt kind of terrified. Neither of them are too drunk to know that that should not have just happened. 

"I'm not gay," Wooyoung said, abruptly, stumbling over the words. They burned the back of his throat, he regretted it almost immediately as San looked at him, something unreadable flickering over his face. 

"I know," He said. 

It should've been reassuring, but it wasn't. Wooyoung pushed himself away from the wall. "We should, uh, go back," His head was spinning again now, probably partly because of the alcohol taking issue with this movement, but also because  _ what the fuck. _

"Sure," San said, shoving his hands in his pockets, He wasn't looking at Wooyoung anymore, in fact, he seemed to be actively avoiding doing so. 

"Okay," It was kind of unnecessary to reply, but the silence was worse. The silence reminded him of where they were, the distant sounds of the restaurant above, the hum of some kind of machine behind the door marked STAFF ONLY. A reminder that this was actually real, it was actually happening in the real world. 

"Let's go." San was already turning away from him to head for the stairs. Wooyoung’s head throbbed. 

He needed to drink more. 

*****

"You're hungover," Seonghwa informed them, sitting across from Wooyoung in the taxi they'd had to take in several groups because someone had messed up hiring proper transport. As if Wooyoung needed to be told this. 

"No," Mingi shifted in his seat, dislodging Wooyoung from leaning on his shoulder. He made a pained sound of protest. "I'm actually good, hyung." 

"Can you not talk so loud?" Wooyoung complained. 

Seonghwa looked amused. "I thought you weren't that drunk?" 

"I wasn't," Wooyoung muttered stubbornly. Mingi pulled his head back down onto his shoulder.

"Where'd you even go?" Seonghwa continued, evidently not picking up on the fact that Wooyoung did not want to talk. Ideally, he didn't want anyone to talk right now. Although then again maybe Seonghwa was well aware of this, he just didn't care. "You guys just disappeared for like, ages." 

"Bathroom," Wooyoung said, staring at a mark on the seat just above Seonghwa's shoulder. "We got lost." 

“Right,” Seonghwa let the subject drop, fortunately, although the way he eyed Wooyoung curiously was enough to make him feel paranoid. 

It wasn’t like anyone knew. How could they, when no one else even knew about San except him, how would they even reach the conclusion that that was what had happened? But he was still paranoid, like it was something you could just  _ see  _ on him. ‘ _ Hey, I made out with Choi San, it was amazing, I’m not gay though!’ _

Even his own brain was making fun of him now. 

Maybe it was a good thing Wooyoung and San didn’t have the time to even think about acting awkwardly with each other, what with such busy schedules they were constantly surrounded by others, working, practicing, or passed out whenever they had the opportunity. Especially since they’d been infrequently awkward with each other so often lately it was a matter of time before someone noticed. 

It was only when their time outside the country was drawing to a close that they even had a chance to pause and breathe for a moment. 

“That’s bullshit,” Yunho was saying, an hour into the gathering of the same aged members in the room shared by Yeosang and Mingi for some long forgotten reason, it had quickly descended into them just messing around. 

“It’s not bullshit,” Wooyoung shot back, “Yeonjun told me,”

“I don’t trust what Yeonjun says,” Yeosang interjected, and Wooyoung aimed a kick at him, twisting his hip oddly in the process. 

It was by chance that Wooyoung had ended up sitting next to San, and it was perfectly normal, expected even, when San’s hand landed on the nape of his neck and started absently playing with his hair, and Wooyoung leaned into his touch comfortably, just like he always did. 

The thing about having to pretend things were normal all the time is that after a while, you forget that they aren’t. That is, until- 

“Yah, Choi San, who do you keep texting?” 

San withdrew his hand and sat up straight, so him and Wooyoung weren’t leaning on each other anymore. “No one,” He said, flipping his phone over so it was face down. Wooyoung’s side felt cold. 

“You keep smiling at your phone,” Mingi said suspiciously, “Is it a girl?” 

“It’s a friend. From high school.” Before anyone could say anything else, he continued, “it’s not a girl,” 

Everyone just stared at him for a moment, probably wondering how much they could try their luck with him before he got properly mad at them. 

“I need to charge my phone,” San said, before anyone had time to say anything else, and he was on his feet, grabbing his keycard and letting the heavy hotel door swing closed loudly behind him. 

It took Wooyoung a moment, after looking away from the door, to notice that they were all looking at him now.

He blinked. “What?” 

Yunho nudged his knee into Mingi’s thigh, “You made him mad,” 

“I didn’t, you asked him first!”

“You wanted to ask him!” 

“You know, right?” Yeosang spoke over their bickering, still looking at Wooyoung.

“I know what?” Wooyoung felt like he was missing some vital information here. They were all looking at him like they expected him to relent and give them what they wanted any moment, but he didn’t even know what they were asking. 

“San,” Yunho started, eyeing him, and Wooyoung’s stomach dropped. Did they know about that? How the fuck did they know? Did someone see- “is dating someone, right?” 

“Uh,” Wooyoung paused, still recovering from the spike of panic that had shot through him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” 

Okay, not very convincing. But he was still freaking out, just a bit. What would he do if the others knew?

_ Knew about San, or about  _ you  _ and San? _

Wooyoung pushed all those thoughts away. “He didn’t tell me anything,” He reiterated, more firmly this time. “I gotta, uh, get something,” Not the best excuse to leave, but he really needed to talk to San, now. 

Yunho didn't notice him reaching across to swipe his keycard, too busy engaged in more bickering with Mingi, but Yeosang did, he could feel his friend’s eyes linger on him curiously. He said nothing, though, just let Wooyoung leave the room without any further comment.

The room San was sharing with Yunho was only a few doors down, which left barely enough time for Wooyoung to think critically about this before he was pressing the stolen keycard against the door, unlocking it with a loud click.

"What-" San wheeled around, looking like he was ready to yell at the intruder, but his expression relaxed when he focused on Wooyoung. "You scared me, shit, I thought you were Yunho,"

"I took his keycard," Wooyoung let the door fall shut behind him. He was realising, belatedly, that this was the first time they'd actually been alone together since the other night. The thought made him suddenly, inconveniently nervous. Why'd he followed San here again?

"The others think you have a girlfriend," He said quickly. San looked unsurprised by this, gaze flickering back to his phone screen.

"I know," 

"They think  _ I _ know," Wooyoung said, folding his arms. Something about San's aloof demeanour was starting to piss him off, he'd barely looked at him since he walked in, he just kept looking at his phone.

"Well," San still wasn't looking at him, half smiling at something on his phone screen. "I guess you kind of do,"

Wooyoung glanced from the phone to his face and back again, suddenly aware that the way they were standing apart from each other was slightly off. "Is it that guy?" The words came out a little more accusatory than he'd intended, but at least it finally made San look up to meet his gaze.

"Joonhyung? Yeah,"

"Are you dating him?" San actually looked surprised at that.

"What? No, it's not like that," He paused, seeming to be searching for the right words. "It's just- we're just talking." 

Something twisted uncomfortably in Wooyoung's stomach, "You should-" He started, then cut himself off, trying to swallow back the weird feeling. 

"I should what?"

"Nothing. Never mind." 

_ Be careful _ , he was going to say, but realised quickly that he'd hardly be one to talk about that, when it was him who initiated it, him who kissed San first, him who threaded his hands through his hair and pulled their bodies together, kissed him back when San was the one to initiate, when it got deeper and hotter. 

"Wooyoung," 

"What?" He felt his face colour as he jerked out of his thoughts, as if San could somehow see into his mind and knew what he'd just been thinking about.

"Are you okay?" San said, his voice slightly lower.

There was something uncertain in his voice, his attention wasn't focused on his phone anymore, entirely on Wooyoung instead. Maybe he couldn't actually read his mind, but he still noticed something. Of course he did.

“Sure. Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” He said, in rapid succession. San just kept looking at him. 

"Okay," He said, eventually, smiling. "Just, y'know," His eyes skimmed over Wooyoung's face again, "making sure." Wooyoung tried for a neutral expression in response to that, just raising an eyebrow and hoping that it wasn't obvious that his heart rate had picked up and not yet slowed down. 

San's phone buzzed loudly in the silence and he flipped it over to look at it again. With the attention finally off him, Wooyoung collapsed onto the bed nearest to him, pretending he wasn’t watching San read the message.

"I'm not dating him, really." San seemed to notice the eyes on him before he even looked up again. "It's just... nice. To have someone to talk to."

"Ah, really," San looked up at him and narrowed his eyes.

"Yah," He started, then didn't follow it up with anything, instead going to throw himself down next to him. He rolled over to face Wooyoung.

"You don't even use formal speech with him," He reached over, only with vague intentions, and San pulled the phone out of his reach immediately. "What are you hiding?"

San just rolled the other way deliberately, "Just cause you don't talk to girls-"

"Yeah I do- you don't know that!" Wooyoung protested. San was still trying to shift away from him, so he opted to attack instead of pursue, hitting out in his general direction while his attention was still held by his phone. 

_ This is how it should be,  _ he thought, even mid attempted attack,  _ this is what we're supposed to be like. But why- _

He didn't have time to complete that thought, because San's hand was pinning his arm down, and he had the upper hand before Wooyoung had a chance to react properly. "Hey," He grabbed Wooyoung's other wrist to stop him from hitting him again, but Wooyoung kept struggling, twisting his arm in San's grip until he lost his balance and fell down on top of him. Wooyoung took advantage of this lapse in control to try and reverse their positions, rolling them over so he was the one pinning San down.

"Ah, wait, stop-" San grabbed his waist to keep him from moving any further. His tone still sounded joking, he was half laughing as he said it, but there was a hint of panic in his eyes.

Wooyoung blinked down at him, "What?"

"Stop it," San said, more like whined, actually, "It- ah- hurts,"

That was enough to make Wooyoung let go of him, although he was still slightly suspicious. "What hurts?"

"My, uh, my hand," San pulled himself up, away from Wooyoung. "You twisted it!" He added, meeting Wooyoung's sceptical gaze.

"How? I didn't hold it  _ that _ hard," He reached out to grab hold of the hand in question. San drew a sharp intake of breath, "I- shit, did that really hurt?" He really hadn't meant to hurt him, but San had sounded, he'd sounded...

"Yeah,"

Something in his voice made Wooyoung’s eyes flicker up to meet his gaze again. 

They're really close to each other, some part of his mind that was still coherent noted vaguely. It was a weird thing to notice, they were close to each other all the time. San exhaled slowly. Despite the sound he’d made when Wooyoung grabbed him, he had made no attempt to pull away. Just stared at him. 

This was a really bad time to think about what had happened last time they'd been this close together, but that was practically all he could think about. San was right there and he's really fucking  _ pretty _ and Wooyoung hadn't noticed it before, not like this, and it's kind of a jarring realisation. 

"Hey," He had no idea what he was about to say, or do, when he saw San's eyes drop to his mouth and then lower to where his shirt collar hung low. Wooyoung felt heat bloom through his body the same way it had when he’d been half drunk on alcohol and adrenaline, before he knew what he was doing he was reaching out-

"Yah, Jung Wooyoung!" 

They pulled back from each other so quickly San banged his head against the wall and Wooyoung almost fell off the bed. For a moment, they just looked at each other in panic as the person knocked (banged, more like) on the door. "This is my room, let me in!" 

San was giving Wooyoung a look that either meant  _ stay there _ or  _ go open the door _ or maybe just  _ what the fuck.  _ It was hard to tell which, but it was also kinda intimidating, so Wooyoung took the initiative to yell "who is it?" 

Because he just couldn't resist being annoying, sometimes. Most of the time. 

"Fuck you, open the door!" Yunho only sounded half mad, which meant he could get away with this for a bit longer. "San!"

"What?" San called back, at the same time as Wooyoung said, "He's not here!" They made eye contact with each other again and both couldn’t seem to help dissolving into laughter as Yunho continued complaining at them through the door. 

As if everything was normal, as if they hadn’t been about to… had they been about to do that? Or had that happened in another reality, in one of Wooyoung’s dreams again. 

“Are you gonna open the door?” San said in a low voice. He was still half smiling, but also regarding Wooyoung with a look he couldn’t quite read. 

“Why don’t you open it?” Wooyoung tried to stare him down in return to no avail. San just shrugged, reaching for his phone where it lay discarded beside them. “You’re not even hurt,” He watched San scroll through his phone for a moment before admitting defeat now that he wasn’t even looking at him, dragging himself up to open the door to the inevitable chaos. 

  
  


It wasn’t until later that he figured it out, why San didn’t want to get up, and why he was acting like he’d got hurt when he clearly hadn’t, and he’d literally covered himself up with the duvet  _ holy shit _ . 

It wasn’t like Wooyoung could just ask him,  _ ‘hey, did you get hard while fighting with me?’  _ Especially when they hadn’t even discussed drunkenly making out in the basement of a restaurant. But he could ask himself, was all of that really just a mistake? 

They don’t talk about it. San still texts Joonhyung all the time, more secretly now, only letting his guard down about it when Wooyoung was there. When they fly back to Korea, he falls asleep on Wooyoung’s shoulder like nothing happened. Wooyoung didn’t know what it all meant. 

They still don’t talk about it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm finally back!! this chapter ended up taking way longer than i meant it to, i got really caught up with work and life stuff. i did also write another woosan fic in the meantime so if you're interested pls check it out!! :)
> 
> onto this one though, uh, well that happened. remember when i said this was meant to be a oneshot? yeah i'm gonna need at least two more chapters to finish this off so i hope everyone is enjoying it! this chapter wound up being so long i even considered splitting it in two, but decided it's better as one. ummm pls forgive wooyoung hes doing his best the denial of feelings tag is there for a reason ajsjahkd. 
> 
> again i hope everyone is enjoying this!! i'm really enjoying writing it, thank u for all of the lovely comments on the last chapter and thanks for coming back!! i'll try not to leave u hanging as long this time.
> 
> i am once again asking for yall to come talk to me on [twt](https://twitter.com/yerimiesebot) and [cc](https://curiouscat.me/kuttsukiboshi) ! i promise i don't bite i'd love to talk atz with u


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